How to Make Sure Your Marriage Survives: An Evidence-Based Perspective

Marriage is not sustained by romance alone but by consistent behaviours, emotional intelligence, and mutual commitment. Research in relationship psychology, attachment theory, and family studies demonstrates that marital stability is influenced by communication patterns, conflict management, emotional responsiveness, and shared values (Gottman and Silver, 2015; Bradbury, Fincham and Beach, 2000). This article presents 40 evidence-informed ways to strengthen and sustain a marriage, supported by textbooks, journal articles, and reputable organisations.

Communication and Emotional Connection

1. Practise active listening – Give full attention without interrupting.
2. Express appreciation daily – Gratitude strengthens relational satisfaction (Algoe, 2012).
3. Use “I” statements rather than blame.
4. Validate your partner’s feelings, even when you disagree.
5. Schedule regular conversations about life goals and concerns.
6. Avoid contempt and criticism, predictors of divorce (Gottman and Silver, 2015).
7. Maintain emotional attunement – notice subtle changes in mood.
8. Laugh together regularly, fostering shared positive affect.

Research consistently shows that couples who maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions are more likely to remain satisfied (Gottman and Silver, 2015).

Conflict Management

1. Address issues early, before resentment builds.
2. Take breaks during heated arguments to prevent escalation.
3. Focus on solving the problem, not winning the argument.
4. Accept influence from your partner, rather than insisting on control.
5. Apologise sincerely and repair quickly after conflict.
6. Distinguish between solvable and perpetual problems, learning compromise.

Constructive conflict resolution enhances relationship resilience (Markman, Stanley and Blumberg, 2010).

Emotional Intimacy and Attachment

1. Cultivate secure attachment by being reliable and responsive.
2. Offer physical affection daily, including non-sexual touch.
3. Share vulnerabilities and fears, promoting emotional safety.
4. Support each other’s ambitions and personal growth.
5. Protect time for intimacy, even amid busy schedules.

Attachment theory suggests that secure emotional bonds predict long-term stability (Johnson, 2008).

Shared Meaning and Values

1. Develop shared rituals, such as weekly meals or annual traditions.
2. Clarify shared financial goals and budgeting plans.
3. Discuss parenting philosophies openly.
4. Engage in shared hobbies or projects.
5. Revisit your shared vision for the future regularly.

Couples who create shared meaning systems report higher marital satisfaction (Gottman and Silver, 2015).

Trust and Commitment

1. Maintain transparency in finances and communication.
2. Avoid secrecy that undermines trust.
3. Set boundaries regarding external relationships.
4. Honour commitments consistently.
5. Demonstrate loyalty publicly and privately.

Commitment involves long-term investment and intention to maintain the relationship despite challenges (Stanley, Rhoades and Whitton, 2010).

Personal Responsibility and Growth

1. Take responsibility for your own emotional regulation.
2. Avoid projecting personal stress onto your partner.
3. Pursue individual self-development.
4. Practise forgiveness rather than harbouring grudges.
5. Seek counselling early when problems persist.

Forgiveness reduces resentment and promotes relational healing (Worthington, 2005).

Physical and Lifestyle Factors

1. Maintain shared health habits, including exercise and balanced nutrition.
2. Prioritise adequate sleep, as fatigue increases irritability (Taylor, 2021).
3. Limit excessive digital distractions during shared time.
4. Protect couple time from work overload.

Lifestyle stressors often exacerbate marital strain; proactive management is protective.

Resilience During Transitions

1. Prepare for life transitions such as parenthood or retirement.
2. Reaffirm commitment during crises, reinforcing partnership identity.

Major transitions can either destabilise or strengthen marriages depending on adaptive coping (Bradbury, Fincham and Beach, 2000).

Psychological Foundations of Marital Stability

Communication Quality

Poor communication patterns, particularly criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, strongly predict marital breakdown (Gottman and Silver, 2015).

Attachment Security

Securely attached individuals are more likely to respond constructively to conflict and maintain trust (Johnson, 2008).

Commitment and Investment

Long-term commitment buffers couples against temporary dissatisfaction (Stanley, Rhoades and Whitton, 2010).

Stress Management

External stress significantly affects marital quality. Health psychology demonstrates that chronic stress impairs emotional regulation and empathy (Taylor, 2021).

Examples in Practice

• A couple experiencing work-related stress schedules weekly “no-phone” dinners to restore connection.
• Partners who disagree on finances attend financial planning sessions together to create transparency.
• During parenthood transition, couples intentionally redistribute responsibilities to reduce resentment.

These examples illustrate how small behavioural changes compound into long-term resilience.

Critical Reflection

Marriage survival does not imply absence of conflict. Rather, successful marriages demonstrate adaptability, emotional responsiveness, and shared commitment. Social, economic, and cultural factors also influence marital stability, including employment stress and societal expectations.

While evidence-based strategies increase the probability of success, no approach guarantees permanence. Individual wellbeing and safety must remain paramount.

Ensuring that a marriage survives requires more than affection; it demands consistent effort, emotional maturity, constructive conflict resolution, shared meaning, and resilience during adversity. Research from relationship psychology and family studies confirms that intentional behaviours significantly influence marital outcomes.

By integrating communication skills, trust-building practices, personal responsibility, and shared purpose, couples can create a durable and fulfilling partnership. Marriage, when nurtured through evidence-informed practices, becomes not merely sustainable but deeply rewarding.

References

Algoe, S.B. (2012) ‘Find, remind, and bind: The functions of gratitude in everyday relationships’, Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6(6), pp. 455–469.

Bradbury, T.N., Fincham, F.D. and Beach, S.R.H. (2000) ‘Research on the nature and determinants of marital satisfaction’, Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), pp. 964–980.

Gottman, J.M. and Silver, N. (2015) The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony.

Johnson, S.M. (2008) Hold me tight. New York: Little, Brown.

Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M. and Blumberg, S.L. (2010) Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Stanley, S.M., Rhoades, G.K. and Whitton, S.W. (2010) ‘Commitment: Functions, formation, and the securing of romantic attachment’, Journal of Family Theory & Review, 2(4), pp. 243–257.

Taylor, S.E. (2021) Health psychology. 11th edn. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Worthington, E.L. (2005) Handbook of forgiveness. New York: Routledge.